Concussions, helmet’s & porn…

Yeah I know, totally random. That’s the story of my life and generally the theme of my blog. Unless you’re new here, you know that already.  I have a habit of saying the wrong thing and it’s usually not at a good time.  Or it just comes out wrong, it’s a gift.

Not entirely sure where I was going with that, but anyway.  It’s dawned on me that I should wear a helmet, with a built in sneeze guard.  Two weeks ago, I got sneezed on. In. The. Face.  Some of it got in my mouth!  Yeah I know, gross. It’s a job hazard.  I thought I had dodged the sickness bullet…

Hell no!

I took that ‘bullet’ to the face, which essentially destroyed my Easter weekend.  Not that I give a shit about the actual holiday, however long weekend, a paid day off? Yes please!  I was excited, until Wed rolled around and by Friday (good Friday my ass!) I was contemplating throwing myself off of an overpass in rush hour.  I could see it coming and I was hopeless to do anything about it.  I hate, truly hate being sick.  I dislike being vulnerable in any form. Even writing that word makes me break out in a rash (OK not really but still…) but I still held onto the faint hope that perhaps it wouldn’t be as bad as I anticipated.

It was worse actually.

I haven’t been that sick since my early twenties and had viral meningitis.  Although I have to say, the fever induced delirium was interesting.  In any case, I was holed up in bed for the better part of three days, totally and utterly disgusted by the things that were happening to my body & what was coming out of it. I’ve never used so much Kleenex in one sitting ever I’m sure.  So anyway, as a result of said illness I had to say no to an invitation from someone because I was still feeling like a train wreck and didn’t want to pass it onto them.

Wed rolls around, i’m at work. Still sick, still rocking a fever, still praying for death…  I’m hauling ass to tidy up my kitchen because we had a final inspection the following day and everything needed to be perfect.  One upper cupboard was open and i’m not short…  I closed a lower cupboard and flung my head back and smashed the back of my head. Hard. My head was lopsided and did some pretty interesting things to the appearance of my hair.

I gave myself a concussion.  Not a bad one, but one bad enough that my Dr. threatened to give me a helmet deeming it medically necessary in case I gave myself a skull fracture.  So anyway I sent said person that I had to blow off some random text and I won’t divulge what went down but it was pretty damn funny.  I felt bad in a way, but in the same token when you’ve been that ill for what felt like forever, you take laughter for granted.  So I didn’t get their response to said text until first thing in the morning, which I made the ‘mistake’ of reading while on the bus.  I started laughing so hard that breathing was a challenge.  Also made everyone on the bus likely think that I lost my mind or I was ‘special’ 😉  It made my day though, really.  Even thinking about it now makes me smile.

So anyway, I got to thinking about some of the conversations I’ve had with said person and we got to talking about how loud some people can be during sex. I’m not a loud person generally speaking overall. My ex roommate however was. So much to the point that once I actually threw a pillow into her room, while her and her now husband were having sex and told him to put it over her face…  So I said to him people watch too much fake porn (what I meant to say was bad porn, for the record) and i’ll admit it, I’ve watched my share of porn and some of it’s really bad.  Although I’ve noticed that there’s quite a few common denominators when it comes to porn:

  • Some dude always has a hideous tattoo. Usually of the tribal or barbed wire variety.
  • Everyone almost always leaves their shoes on. WTF?
  • The nails. Seriously? There’s some bad nail jobs going on.
  • Socks. Some dude almost always has socks on and once I seen a dude wearing socks and sandals in porn. So. Very. Wrong.
  • The screaming IE: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG FUCK ME, FUCK ME, FUCK ME HARDER while dudes just grunt and say something lame like ‘yeah baby you like that?’

So generally speaking, chicks feel the need to scream and guys don’t say much, if anything at all. So I got to thinking, if you’re lacking in experience or imagination chances are you’re watching or have watched porn at some point or another (aside from the whole visual aspect) for ‘research’ purposes. I’d recommend not doing that, otherwise I might have to offer up a pillow to put on your face.

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