Funny thing about me, I\’m pretty bold 95% of the time.  Usually inappropriate, blunt, straightforward, too honest and you know all that stuff.  That other 5%, I\’m shy, yes I said it!  Pick your damn jaw off the floor kids because its true.  Do you really think I was always this way?  No.  I can actually credit being a Chef to me being the way that I am.  Because when you work in an industry ruled by testosterone you pretty much have to grow your own pair and fight the fight of your life.  There is no one who\’s going to stick up for you if your not willing to stick up for yourself.  So most of the time I can hide it and I do it quite well.  However being a Chef has its downfalls…  You tend to become bitter & jaded (or maybe that\’s just me?) and a million other things.  Maybe it just feels that way? Hence the reason I\’m getting out, which couldn\’t come sooner if you ask me but now sadly is not the time.  Need to get settled into a new job first and once again pay off that evil Visa bill of mine.  I however have goals and they will be accomplished somehow….

Anyway after the whole \”Eric\” incident, needless to say I was more then a little leery to meet anyone ever again.  Without you know spending a year getting to know them, doing various background checks, perhaps hiring a private investigator, hooking them up to a lie detector test and doing some other sort of psychological assessment.  I know sounds beyond extreme but that whole incident really creep-ed me out.  But I digress…  My life has changed, it has now become life with Jason and life after Jason\’s untimely demise.  Sad isn\’t it?  Yeah I know.  However all is not lost, something good will come out of this.  As I always try to find something good regardless of how bad something can be.  Mostly because I believe everything happens for a reason, even if were not meant to know what that reason is.  I don\’t obsess about it, but yes I am still very much emotionally affected by it and suspect that I will be for sometime so I don\’t hide it from anyone.  Which would in most likelihood, creep most guys out as in:\”OMFG she\’s got issues, RUN!\” Yeah I do kinda, do I let them affect my \”personal life\”? I try not to, however to be involved with me, is to accept me regardless of what \”baggage\” I may be currently dragging around.  Because its a part of MY life, and well should anyone choose to be a part of that; should at least be aware of certain things that go on in my head.

I can\’t let it rule my life, (So I don\’t) however everyone needs some form of human interaction on some level or another.  Not a distraction but just someone that matters to you on some level (no necessarily an emotional one) that can at least understand why, that maybe out of the blue you might burst into tears (even though I loathe crying in front of anyone and avoid it the same way I do gonorrhea).  That and I have my foundation to start and that\’s very important to me, something I feel compelled to talk about.  Which is likely going to whore up some serious time, but you know what?  That will always come first in my life, you know bro\’s before ho\’s and all that stuff.  However its always nice to have someone in your life that makes a hard day suck a little less.  I was starting to think that I was looking for something that I couldn\’t find ever again that I did have once before until things got complicated and I choose to walk away.  Which saddened me because if perfection truly existed, I thought that was it, until 1am this morning when I was proven quite wrong in that regard.

I won\’t dish all the details, everyone knows me better then that.  However some things need to be told, and maybe that will explain away the self satisfied smirk I\’ve had on my face since then?  Anyway I\’m getting a little ahead of myself.  So I\’ve learned to trust my instincts long ago and refused to think that all was lost and totally give up hope because that\’s not my style.  It was a random circumstance that this happened and while the choices were plentiful I\’ve gotten pretty freaking picky as I\’ve gotten older about who I choose to spend my time with.  Mostly because free time is such a rare thing for me to have these days.  Then there was him, he who blew my mind and made that rare 5% shyness factor come into play.  Sometimes you just meet someone and they intrigue you, make you laugh often & you feel mostly comfortable with them.  Which is rare, at least for me.  Its rare that I let my guard down, I like my fortress that I keep around myself and with some people it ceases to exist and that usually freaks me out but this time it didn\’t.  Why?  Because he was just. so. damn. honest.  Oh yeah not to mention totally hot & beyond fun, but that\’s a whole other story.

I have never ever encountered someone so brazen, straightforward, open, no genuinely honest.  We\’re hanging out and we\’d be talking about whatever and out of no where he\’d ask me something, not complicated mind you, that would leave me floored!  I\’m sitting there thinking is this real, did that really just come out of his mouth point blank like that?  As I sit there totally gobsmacked trying to think of something to say without sounding like a total moron when really all it required was a simple yes/no or OK.  And that\’s when I\’m all like ummmmm so…  Because I couldn\’t seem to cough up a simple answer so I of course have to make it complicated in some way but still get my point across because he totally tapped into that 5% & shocked the hell out of me and made me blush.  However in spite of my own, not quite so endearing awkwardness I respected/admired that, more importantly I LIKED it.  Because I knew there was no bullshit & that holds tons of appeal to me.

There\’s so many people in this world who are fake, full of it or play games with people like they\’re playing with their X-Box.  So yeah needless to say I was floored, amazed and yeah wow, definitely crossed my mind on a few occasions 😉  Its a nice change from the usual that\’s for damn sure!  In any case, I took a chance that I normally wouldn\’t so early on and it was beyond worth it.  No I\’m not all smitten or you know in love or some silly nonsense like that.  Just content & pretty pleased with how part of my day worked out.  One of the best days off I\’ve had in a little while and those are all too damn rare as well!  If anything its nice to know that not all guys are total douche-bags, just have to be a little unconventional in how you find them is all.

On a random note, this video 6 creative ways to ruin your wedding is pretty amusing!  Oh yeah and have I mentioned just how much I love reading this blog?  Because I do!