OK so no I have no real reason to complain (kinda), I could be in Haiti right now.  Not to be totally ungrateful because you know, for the most part I have it pretty damn good.  At least in some regards…  There is one \”situation\” (for lack of a better term) that I have 0 intentions of complaining about because well its awesome extraordinary ;).  However on the not so awesome side of things…  Work (do I talk about anything else?) yeah got my schedule yesterday and I have a whole two shifts.  TWO!  WTF?  Max is on vacation and aside from Darren *I* have the most seniority hello!  So I have five freaking days off of work, not so awesome when your not expecting them, and when you had four days off the previous week as well.  SCREW YOU READING WEEK!  Hopefully I get a call back from the daycare I applied to on Tuesday.  Yeah me, working a daycare.  That\’s beyond hilarious!  I will however be the executive Chef, in charge of snacks and meals for 80 birth control failures adorable little children.  Don\’t get me wrong, I don\’t hate kids.  I love anyone Else\’s children.  Its also quite similar to the work I did at Concordia so its not like its foreign to me.  Oh and to top it off, I forgot to top up my damn phone and lost the killer plan I had grandfathered in.  Shit!  So yeah no text messages from me today, must call virgin and make sure I get my text pack back. Done!

We shall see what happens though in the meantime.  In any case I can\’t afford this, so I\’m thinking prostitution,perhaps looking for a new job.  Mostly I want to go back to school, badly.  Yeah I know, WTF is wrong with me?  Ask my mom how many schools I got kicked out of (Hi Mom, I love you!) *yes, my mommy reads my blog*. However being an adult changes everything.  Age to me isn\’t relevant.  Age really is just the numerical definition of how many years you\’ve been on this earth, it does not denote how many years you\’ve lived.  Physically I\’m 31, can pass for 24 on a good day but I\’m old on the inside.

I came to this conclusion yesterday whilst sitting there in my jammies, reading a book and drinking a glass of wine that was a gift from a lovely friend while waiting for someone\’s arrival.  Then out of no where I was hit with this innate sadness, I. miss. Jason. a. LOT.  Its been almost 6 months and while it does get easier to at least cope some-days it just hits me out of nowhere.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I sat there and I was feeling like I was half in bag (I wasn\’t but you know that feeling?) and I really had to fight the urge to cry.  Normally I don\’t, however due to said arrival I really didn\’t feel like being sad/sit there crying because that\’s just a little more then I\’m willing to give right now.  They know (about Jason & the emotional train-wreck it made my life), more importantly it wasn\’t strange, nor upsetting to sit there and talk about it and say out loud that I missed him because I do.  Tremendously.  Doesn\’t mean that I\’m OK with letting them anyone seeing me cry.  Old habits die hard, what can I say?

A Memory Hug Author Unknown

Your loss has left a hole in your heart.
That never goes away…
you learn to live with it.
With acceptance of the loss and
changes in your life, the pain lessens.
Eventually memories fill up the space,
but it never goes away.
Then, when you least expect it,
a memory spills out of the hole
in your heart and washes
you clean again with tears.
Think of it as a Memory Hug

I feel like I\’m being corrupted, kinda.  I\’m OK with that, because you know what?  Change isn\’t always a bad thing and sometimes its worth it to just go with it and not worry about something horrific happening.  Maybe it will, life offers no guarantees ever.  Its not a matter of being pessimistic because I\’m far from being a pessimistic person, I prefer the term realistic because that\’s one thing that I most certainly am.  Its something that I accept because it makes me smile.  Totally damages my reputation, but that\’s our little secret 😉  Its new to me, so I\’m feeling it up out and going with it.  I like being told that they can be honest with me because they feel I  can take it  and I generally respond in kind.  Why?  Because I know that they too can take, respect it, appreciate it for what it is.  So do I, that\’s a beautiful thing on so many levels.  I\’m not used to it, but I like love it.  Everything happens for a reason, and you know I have no idea what that reason is and I don\’t care.  Its sublime, can\’t be topped but if I could bottle it and sell it, I\’d be a millionaire.

So in spite of the stupid, somewhat insignificant things that have happened in the past 8 days thus far; I have close to twenty hours of reasons to have a smile on my face.  That is exceptional, much like them.  If that\’s the good I need to take with the bad, then please bring it on!