Category Archives: I has a sad

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Depression, a boy & his puppy, oh and art.

\”Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn\’t permanent.\” – Jean Kerr

Couldn\’t have said it better myself.  Which is precisely the feeling I\’ve had pretty much all of last week.  As in, I hope this goes away, you know like yesterday?  So its been

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Since Jason died, but hey, who\’s keeping track?  Most days I\’m pretty much OK.  Wed April 21st? Not such an OK day, nor were the days leading up to it either.  As a matter of fact, those (the days leading to) were the worst.  A few years ago Jason asked me what it was like to be 30.  I simply & honestly replied \”Dude the first 6 months of being 30 were the best 6 months of my life\” and they were.  On. So. Many. Levels.  He replied with something to the effect of:\”I hope mine is just as good, gives me something to aim for/look forward to.  Except Jason didn\’t make it to be thirty years old.  Wed April 21st 2010 was Jason\’s 30th birthday.  That was a hard day.  A dark day if you will.  That whole week?  Hello depression!
I shut pretty much everyone out, I really didn\’t bother to correspond with anyone if I could help it and it sucked balls.  I\’m not going to lie.  You see, I had a conversation with someone not so long ago that sounded a little something like this:
Them:\”I don\’t ever say I\’m depressed, just \”sad\”.
Me: \”See, that pisses me off.\”
Them:\”Why?\”
Me: \”Because I am SO sick of the stigma around depression!  Sometimes you get depressed briefly, usually after a period of grief, its very common.  Also depression is a disease that affects so many people and those people sometimes don\’t get help because of statements like that!  Either they\’re afraid of the \”social stigma\” or too embarrassed or something along those lines. \”
Them: \”Well since you put it that way, you have a point\”
I at least like to think that I do…
Jason was a diagnosed manic depressive.  It made him suicidal.  Hence my burning desire to start Jason\’s memorial foundation.  These people who are suffering either briefly, or for the long term need to know that we are NOT afraid of how they feel!  Its human instinct to try and \”make someone feel better\” however I now know that its impossible.  Support them? Yes!  Make them feel as if they\’re less alone? Absolutely!  However \”feeling better\” in its truest form takes time, love, support and a whole lot of patience.  I hit an all time low last week that scared the shit out of me.  Not suicidal low, just OMG I haven\’t ever felt this \”dark\” inside in my entire life and it freaked me out.  I sought immediate help.  After doing a quick Google search I found  GROWW: Grief recovery online while this site is a bit of a pain in the ass to navigate, it was well worth the effort.
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My own personal reminder

They say that imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery, which is a phrase that tends to come to mind when I get a memorial tattoo.  For me tattoos are like therapy, its something beautiful to look at in spite of the pain you may experience and something that you can cherish all the days when your loved one is gone.  In some cases it can also bring some much needed closure when you can\’t find it anywhere else.

On September 3rd 2009 I got some of the most tragic news I had ever experienced in my entire life.  Jason Cartwright who was my dear friend, confidant and business partner had passed away in the wee hours of the morning.  The shock and the pain of getting that news was the metaphorical equivalent to that of being hit by a mac truck.  I screamed, I yelled and I cried what felt like a river of tears.  I haven\’t been the same since that day, nor do I ever expect to be again.  Oddly enough it was a love of modifications that brought Jason and I together.  Jason mentioned on a few occasions that he wanted to get another tattoo and commented that he would love if I designed one for him.  I\’m pretty sure that what I have, wasn\’t what he himself had in mind.  I can certainly say that its not what I had in mind in the first place, as I would very much prefer to have designed a tattoo for him to wear as opposed to myself.

I still have a ton of questions that I know will never have any answers.  I never did blame myself for what he did, I did however become so consumed with quilt over his death that I was afraid it was going to swallow me whole.  Had he died as the result of some horrible disease, or an accident of some kind then maybe I could have at least come to terms with what happened.  Jason\’s suicide wasn\’t a total surprise but I felt as if I could have done more.  I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn\’t pay nearly enough attention to what was going on around me.  I had this nagging voice in my head to e-mail him, to reach out and let him know that I was OK and more importantly to remind him that even though things weren\’t that great that they would be OK sooner or later.  I kept saying to myself, tomorrow I\’ll e-mail him just to let him know that I was there.  Reminds me of the Charles Hanson Towne poem: Around the corner Plenty of tomorrows came and went and I never did send that e-mail like I had intended.  Would it have made a difference? Maybe, perhaps just for a little while longer.  I\’ll never truly know.  The what ifs, the maybes, the could have, should have but didn\’t ran through my mind for months.  I knew I wanted to get a tattoo to represent him and how much he meant to me but it was really a matter of what.

See to me, memorial tattoos should signify the person.  A permanent representation of what they meant to you.  Problem with that was I knew Jason on a very personal, almost intimate level but in some ways I never really \”knew him\”, what he liked and things of that nature aside from programming.  So needless to say I was totally stuck on that one.  I had already decided on the script previously, which oddly enough I seen on the back of someone\’s shirt in the metro one day.   That however was back in the summer and I had originally wanted to add that to the memorial pieces I already had on my chest.

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The 2009 review

Well the year is almost over…  There\’s lots I could say to sum it up but to coin a phrase from Catlin \”2009 for me was the absolute highest highs and the lowest lows. I experienced pure, unadulterated joy and rock bottom, brutal sadness. I felt about as angry as I ever have.\” Hope she doesn\’t mind, but in all honestly I really couldn\’t have said it better myself!  Brilliantly put Catlin, that\’s all I have to say 🙂  Reading other people\’s blogs has its advantages since it was Catlin that pointed out that Gillian answers a serious of questions every year after skimming through them I thought well you know, why not?  So thank you Gillian for making this blog entry a little easier!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Lots of things!  Went to places I\’ve never been before and more importantly became a little more true to myself.  Oh and I went boxing day shopping with my mom & sister and didn\’t buy a  single hoodie!  (I have a hoodie addiction)  Seriously…  You reading this Micheal lol.  I actually bought girly attire…  I gotta say though I do love that angora sweater 😉

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I haven\’t bothered with them in years.  I do however hope that 2010 is a whole lot better then 2009 was!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

not particularly close per say, but a few people I know are proud parents.  However  my best friend of 20+ years is pregnant 🙂

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes

5. What countries did you visit?

How about provinces? I went to Ontario as per the usual in the summer and just got back from Christmas there too.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

peace of mind!

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

September 3rd one of my best friends died and that day changed my life.  RIP Jason, I love you!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Wow that\’s a tough one.  Can\’t really say I actually have one which is kind of sad in a way but this year was full of so. much. fail.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being there for someone when they needed me the most.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Well aside from the Advil overdose because of that epic tooth pain I had, the infection that followed which SUCKED not really.  Injury\’s well I hurt myself at work quite a bit but its rather minor in comparison.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A new computer (thanks mom <3)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My sister

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Jason…

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills, the dentist, visa

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My tattoos! lol

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Can\’t say I have one particular song in mind.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Although I can\’t totally recall how I felt this time last year I know due to circumstances that I am most certainly sadder, thinner and hands down a whole lot more poor too lol.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Been there more for my friends/family.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

procrastinated, stressed out, getting angry and less crying!  Did far too much of that this year!

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I was in Ontario with my immediate family and it was awesome!  I had a really good Christmas this year in the end.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

nope.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Family guy!  Although I haven\’t watched a lot of TV this year and I\’m canceling the cable soon because of it.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.

24. What was the best book you read?

I read so many good ones this year!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Haven\’t made any of those…

26. What did you want and get?

Tickets to Metallica!  A new computer,  a cat with thumbs, some beautiful tattoo work of course/

27. What did you want and not get?

Jason to be alive.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Didn\’t see enough movies to even garner a proper response for that one.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 31…  Had a small soiree with my friends at my apartment and it was fabulous!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

not being in debt and being back in school already!

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

ha ha this year was a bit of a transformation of sorts.  I\’ve always been a jeans/t-shirt/hoodie girl.  I still am but I have gotten more \”girly\” attire and started wearing heels!  That\’s a little crazy in itself!

32. What kept you sane?

My friends, I honestly don\’t know what I would have done without them this year!  I am so very fortunate to have such amazing people in my life!

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

That\’s not my style, I could care less about that sort of thing.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

H1N1 Jesus Christ!  All the hype and bullshit holy fuck!

35. Who did you miss?

Jason, my mom

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Define met, I can say who the best new person I\’ve talked to but have yet to meet is.  They already know that though and if they don\’t well they should!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Life is short, too short!

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day\’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What\’s worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts \’cause there\’s no second try
So live like you\’re never living twice
Don\’t take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day-Nickleback

So in closing, this year sucked in SO many ways…  Tons and tons of soul sucking drama, far too many tears and heartbreak and things that just speak of pure evil.  Although there were a few rare moments of happiness that made them all that much more precious.  In the end its the little things that matter and that was a lesson that I sadly learned the hard way.
So 2009 wasn\’t a total loss, just a very difficult year.  In the end, I have learned that inspiration can come from the strangest things but leads to something beautiful.  I\’m not going to rattle of names, but I can only hope that those who were there for me either directly or indirectly when I needed them the most, who gave me some very much needed closure in inadvertently assisting me with my memorial tattoo for Jason and those who just made this year suck a little less, your awesome and I am so totally grateful that you were there even if it was only for a brief period of time <3
Here\’s to hoping that 2010 is full of much better things for us all 😉
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Dear Jason

Have  I mentioned lately that you suck?  Because you do!  Its been a month and that horrible pain that I felt is still very much in existence, I just for the most part keep it to myself.   Its been a month since I came home and read the news and sat here screaming and crying for hours on end.  I\’m pretty sure the people upstairs thought that I was being beaten to death or some other horrible instance such as it was, but no that was my heart being torn into a million tiny shards…

I gave up trying to figure out why, granted I\’m still in shock.  I know your dead and gone its just as if a part of my mind refuses to accept it for what it is.  Screw the 7 stages of grief your death has rocked me to the very core of a soul that I didn\’t even know that I had.  I broke the news to James, and finally got around to calling him earlier in the week.  I put it off because I knew that would just bring back the hurt all over again and sure enough hard as I tried not to cry I did.  Much like I am now, maybe someday it will stop but I doubt it.  I think he\’s pretty much the only one who knew you the same way that I did and could truly appreciate just how awesome you are.  He\’s also in universal agreement with me about how utterly gross what she did was.  He was pretty great in spite of the fact that it was after midnight when I called him, little did I know he\’s 6 hours ahead of me.  Videotron must LOVE me seeing as how I\’ve been racking up my phone bill with these awesome overseas phone calls.

Put the site on hold, can\’t bring myself to do any real work on it.  Reminds me too much of you and it hurts too damn much!  I have a pretty high tolerance for physical pain but this, yeah I can\’t handle this very much…  My friends have been wonderful, dragging me all over the place and providing a nice distraction but at the end of the day your still gone and there\’s not a damn thing I can do to change that.  Like I said to James, we tend to take for granted that our friends are going to be around a lot longer.  The guilt for the most part has abated but I\’m not 100% certain it will ever go away.  Mostly because you told me that in spite of the fact that you find so little to live for, that I was great and hearing from me always made your day.

Except that I got all hardcore caught up in my life and never did send you that e-mail to tell you that I was in fact OK and that abnormality that they found turned out to be nothing major that I can\’t personally handle.  I also remember the time you asked me what it was like to be 30 and me telling you that the first 6 months were the best 6 months ever except you\’ll never get to experience that.  You know though one piece of advice you gave me has stuck with me and it was what you had said that finally made up my mind in the end.  You couldn\’t have been more right on that note.  I wish you were still around so we could talk about that stuff, you were the only one I had that I could speak that freely with…

They say time heals everything but I don\’t think that time will ever heal this or erase this.  I know eventually I\’ll learn to cope as you know that I will but I\’ll tell you that time can\’t come fast enough!  Not a day goes by that I don\’t think of you and I miss you so much its unreal!  I scroll through my bookmarks and your blog is still there, even though you got rid of the domain I can\’t bring myself to erase that link.  Same thing with your phone number that\’s stashed in my cell phone.  I miss actually physically talking to you, hearing you laugh…

I\’m able to sleep now for the most part, the first few weeks after you died, especially the first few days sleep was a luxury that  I simply couldn\’t obtain.  Oddly enough I had a dream about you the other night, I was staring at your memorial page when someone\’s voice crept up behind me and scared the crap outta me!  I\’m going to call Gil soon to make that tattoo appointment for your memorial tattoo.  Jeff is also going to be tattooing me in the new year which will be  a secondary memorial tattoo for you; since the first one I thought about before hand because it coincides with the memorial tattoos I have on my chest already.  Tattoos/pain really do solve everything…  Or at least that\’s what us tattooed people try to convince ourselves that it does.  So the first one will be on my chest and Jeff will be tattooing a piece on my ribs.  Apparently that\’s the most painful place to get tattooed but I need it to hurt because then maybe I can channel the pain of loosing you into the pain of the tattoo that I\’m about to get and maybe then I\’ll start to heal.

I\’m really starting to hate my job…  I need a career change and I need one BADLY!  I really truly hope that your faith in modology rings true because as much as I love being a Chef its time for a change!  I just wish you were here to see it unfold and prevail and maybe become the next best thing.  So if that\’s the case then once I start up your memorial fund your profit margin as previously agreed upon will be donated to that cause.  I refuse to let your legacy die!

I miss you so much it hurts…  I wish you were here because I need you, not for work related purposes but to just be there like the awesome friend you always were.  James agreed to come on board, thank God!  He also understands all too well that I just can\’t work on it right now.  He\’s coping as am I but were both still reeling from the loss…  Like I\’ve said countless times, I really hope there IS life after death because I\’ll kill you all over again!  Like James said, heaven help you when I arrive 😉

I just hope in the end when you left that you knew that there was at least one person in this world who adored you and loved you so very much! <3

Grief is like the ocean, it\’s deep and dark and bigger than all of us.  Pain is like a thief in the night: quiet, persistent, unfair; diminished by time, faith, and love.