Monthly Archives: January 2012

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Busted!

Looks like I just nailed your judgmental ass to the wall now didn\’t I?

Guys think they\’re so slick and oh-so-clever sometimes, I got news for you honey…

You\’re anything but!  

I\’ve worked in the food industry for two decades.  15 of those years have been spent in restaurants where more often then not, I\’m the ONLY woman who has the balls to work the line.  It\’s not an easy industry to be in and even more complicated if you\’re a woman.  In any case, you really get to know a lot about men. Mostly just how full of shit they really are.

So earlier I was talking to some random dude and he asked for a picture, which is fine.  I have a few and most of them *do* have other people in them.  I\’m not going to be one of those douchebags who takes pictures of themselves in a fucking mirror with their God-Damn phone!  So get over it and move on with your life.  I have nothing to hide, it\’s not as if I weigh 350lbs and even if I did…

WHO GIVES A SHIT!

Most guys however do.  So I hear a lot of: Do you have other pictures of yourself, you know one\’s without furniture, or another person, a full length picture of yourself yada yada yada…  Which all basically sums up to one thing: Want to see how much you weigh, because no one wants to fuck a fat chick.  We\’re all shallow in some way or another but this just kills me.  Whatever, either you like me or you don\’t, I personally don\’t care which.  I\’m not a barbie doll, nor do I want to look like one either.  I have a body, I have curves and I don\’t see anyone complaining about my bra size (well except for me) so while talking to Ben earlier he asked me for a picture, preferably with no clothes and did I have one of my stomach because he\’s \’big\’ into those.

Seriously?

Clearly you think I\’m retarded and don\’t understand that pretext…

So this is basically how that little incident played out (using actual text):

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That\’s all I have to say about that.

PS check this out, it\’s pretty awesome!

 

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Brett Michaels called

And he wants his bandanna back… 

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That was the first thought that crept into my mind when M parked his ass in front of me at Starbucks earlier this evening.  Never in my life have I encountered such social disparity in one place before.  Starbucks is yuppie-ville no doubt and most people who truly know me, know that I don\’t embody that persona.  In any case, one can\’t begin to fathom my surprise (and hidden horror) when I laid eyes on him.

I knew something was up when he blew me off about the whole picture thing.  Everyone has a picture of themselves and while his excuse reasoning seemed somewhat feasible I let it go.

Which clearly, I shouldn\’t have.   

Don\’t get me wrong, I don\’t put a lot of stock in the way a person looks.  Yes they DO matter, just how much however depends on the person.  I\’m a Chef and I eat with my eyes first after all 😉  I was not however quite prepared for what sat before me…  It was as if a member of long since departed 80\’s heavy metal band sans eyeliner was my \’date\’.  Holy shit!  I mean really dude, if you\’re going to run around sporting long hair take care of it.  Instead however you choose to run around with split ends and hair so fried that it looks like you were the victim of a fire gone horribly wrong and didn\’t bother with a trim at that.

Oh and the bandanna…  Oh my word.  It was as if he was trying to embody Brett Micheals, without the eyeliner!  I mean really?  The camo pants and band t-shirt were what really did me in…  I like heavy metal just as much as the next person, I do not however embody the long lost \’look of the 80\’s)  I mean come on, put forth some effort at least?!?  Jesus Christ!  Even I, who had just gotten off of work put forth a minor effort to at least look somewhat put together.  I\’m honestly starting to not give a shit period and thinking that becoming a nun might not be such a bad idea…

I don\’t care how you dress or anything like that.  However, whatever look you\’re attempting to pull off…

Do. It. Well.  Then maybe, just maybe you\’ll get laid.

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Disclaimer: I don\’t care if I sound like a judgmental bitch.  I\’m just being honest and I honestly don\’t give a shit if you like it or not.  It\’s your right to dress/act the way you choose, doesn\’t mean *I* have to like it… 

 

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Life\’s little conversation gems…

OK so bear in mind I had a major fat kid vacation so my healthier habits basically went into the toilet.  As a result I\’m making a conscious effort to do a little better.  One of those things would be to consume more water, I\’m tired of feeling lethargic and dehydrated.  So this is a good thing, having to pee all the time, not so much.  As a result of this, this conversation happened today at work.

Me: Good lord, I need to pee again!

Co-worker: Happens to people who are pregnant.

Me: Nope, that\’s *not* possible.

C0-worker: Sure it is, my friend got pregnant and she was on the pill.

Me: (laughing) No (insert co-workers name here), I can\’t get pregnant because I don\’t have anyone to have sex with.

C0-worker: *Awkward silence*  Soooooo lunch?

We both had a good laugh over the whole thing.  Maybe you just had to be there?

 

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DYAC/Drunk texts-Stephafied

I have an android smart phone.  I have to say, it\’s pretty awesome and has come in handy on more then one occasion.  Although I refuse to be one of those people who is constantly on their phone updating their shit.  I have better things to do with my time.  I\’m also pretty careless with where I leave it sometimes.

Maybe I just don\’t want to be found? 

Anyway the website DYAC (damn you auto correct)  is usually full of win.  While I don\’t have an iphone (so I can\’t screen shot them) I still have that somewhat irritating although occasionally entertaining predictive text/auto correct feature on my phone.  Sometime\’s it\’s just because I\’m drunk…  In any case, I can always e-mail the convo\’s and sometimes they have merit.  This is one of those times.

My favorite: Between Adam & I: 

Where do you live now?
Near Montreal pussy station.
Is that a new strip club?  
Ha ha what? No. Oh fucking phone.  No Montreal Ouest, as in the train station.  There is however a strip club up the street.

Between Wayne (my gay boyfriend) & I.  I was trying to convince him to come out to the bar :
Shit sidelines looks busy now lol or is that the whole bar outside lol/
Nope it\’s Busty. I mean busy lol. (Every time I went to type in BUSY, it would auto correct it to Busty)
You are busty lol.
Lol yeah I know
ha ha.
Babe you still awake? come see mrerree!
I am not going out I am hun hunny sorry lol.
I\’m sure you are babe but what does the size of your cock have to do with anything? 😉
Not my cock omg hungover helllooooooooo omg lololol. And I am not hung lmfao bahhaha.
That\’s not what I heard.

Same night, between Amy & I (I was well on my way at this point, thank God Amy\’s a teacher and clearly speaks drunkennease too):
Is it busy and where abouts r u sitting?
It\’s busty enough and were buy the frontal.
Near where we were yesterday?
Yeah but closer to the stage, my mom\’s preggers spot (was supposed to say preferred).
Ok. Ryan says he knows where u are.
Lol K. Dandra\’s here (my sister Sandra)

 

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