Category Archives: Are you f’ing kidding me?!?

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That heart stopping moment when you reach for a lid, in the dark & come face to face with a flamingo-at work.

Yes that really did happen, but that\’s a story for another day…  I\’ll just leave you wondering why on earth there\’s a flamingo at the daycare I work at.

In other news, there\’s a vibrator museum. Really. No i\’m not providing you with the link. I\’ll just leave you to ponder how I know this, along with that whole flamingo thing.

In all seriousness though, I have gotten e-mails inquiring about the last post that I wrote. I\’m OK. Really. What I did there was just something I felt the need to do, it was a long time coming. I just finally got off my ass and did it. Simple as that.  So fear not, I\’m doing pretty good for myself these days.  With the exception of my head.  Post concussion syndrome anyone?  Trip to the neurologist to make sure that everything is OK and I don\’t end up on strange and unusual deaths due to smashing the back of my head into a cupboard? Working on it. So yeah.  Been thinking a lot lately about how people assume, presume and otherwise take certain things and end up misconstrued…  

So I ask questions, even if I run the risk of looking completely and utterly stupid. Because at the end of the day, at least I don\’t look like an ass because I assumed something.  Even if it is a little irritating.  Anyway I\’ve been thinking of someone a lot these days, someone who\’s not a part of my life anymore and hasn\’t been for a long time.  Not so much them, more so the crushed look on their face when they claimed that I was getting too attached to them (when in reality, it was the other way around).  After I wiped the puzzled look off my face, I asked them why they felt that way (I have serious issues with co-dependence. I\’m not that way and I really don\’t much care for people who are that way), their response? You do all these nice things for me.

Come again?   

I really am a nice girl, and if doing what I normally do for pretty much everyone who crosses my path is of some issue to you, then so be it.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and people come into your life for a reason.
For the most part, I treat people the same. I am an equal opportunity person and if I truly can\’t stand you, yet am still reasonably respectful to you, it\’s because i\’m paid to.

Otherwise I\’ll do nice things. Like make you dinner. Because i\’m a Chef, feeding people is what I do and also? I\’m a huge nerd, so in some random way you\’ve become my guinea pig/taste tester. So it\’s somewhat infuritating when people (usually guys) assume that I want to fuck them because I made them dinner.

I felt kind of bad when I told him that I didn\’t treat him any differently than I did anyone else.  Mostly because he looked crushed.  We were just FWB, so to me your the friend I have that\’s not only seen my naughty bits, but also my sex face.  In the end, it turns out he was in love with me.

Somehow that\’s my fault? 

Bottom line and the most central point to this post?

Don\’t make assumptions. Ever.

Because not only will you end up looking like an ass, it will also bite you in the ass.

Assume nothing, question everything. Even if it makes you look a few brain cells short (which I apparently am these days)/

 

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Nagging bitches, my book & Karma.

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Yes some posts I can be bothered to separate, but not today. After all, it\’s Monday and I\’m tired.  For this, I blame Karma. I was teasing someone last night about how I don\’t have to get up stupid early in the morning to go to work like they do (still early none the less) and I was going to text them in the morning for the sheer purpose of rubbing it in that I A: just woke up (after him) B: was still in bed. Yeah well, that was a lovely thought.  I woke up around 4:45-ish and my first thought was sonofabitch! Of course I had to pee. Then, you\’d think I\’d be able to go back to sleep, but no not really.  It was one of those drifting in and out of sleep moments that aren\’t really satisfying. Although I still got to lounge around in bed, which is warm, cozy and uber comfy in my jammies. So damn right I sent that text, to which I was informed that I missed the sun rise that morning. I\’m sure it was beautiful and pondering that comment briefly after I woke up I thought to myself, yeah fuck that I catch enough sunrises in the dead of winter. You know when it\’s dark until 8am :p So that\’s that. He clearly won that round!  Needless to say, I won\’t be saying that again.

Nagging bitches: I don\’t get it! Why on earth do some people (usually woman, I hate to stereotype but they do exist for a reason) feel that nagging someone endlessly will garner results? It\’s really, really fucking irritating! STOP IT! I work with someone who thinks that by constantly harping on your ass, about things that are of NO concern to them none the less; will make a difference. Personal cheerleader my ass. Jesus Christ, leave me and the countless other people you annoy the shit out of alone!  There are some things that *I* feel should be of no involvement of others, especially at work and my boss agrees with me.  Granted there are some things that you need to get on my ass about until I give them to you.  IE: the menu, the milk order.  Because I occasionally forget those things and the reminder is helpful and usually welcome. However when you\’re getting on my case about how I choose to live my life, especially when we only have a working relationship? Drop dead.  I don\’t care how you justify it to yourself in your mind, you are not my mom, I am not burger king, therefore you can not have it your way!  Because of her (especially because of her) I can totally understand and relate to why men hate woman who nag incessantly.  It gives me a headache!

In other news, I\’m working on making food porn v 2.0 become a reality.  Going to purchase the ISBN and the whole nine yards for this one I think.  Essentially I plan to do an edit of the original one and make some more grown up modifications to the recipes themselves.  Stephanie\’s secret\’s, which became the working title (thanks to a clients suggestion) has officially sold out and while I could do a second printing, it\’s a costly investment and unless I have enough people willing to do pre-sale on it, I won\’t bother with it.  It\’s a little known fact that my self published book titled food porn really does exist.  There\’s only three copies of it period. It\’s what one might say a collectors item, if you\’re into that sort of thing.  Funny enough, I was paging through it earlier and clearly my proof reading skills need some work, as does my grammar >.< I was in a rush to get it printed because I wanted it ready as a gift for someone\’s birthday. Clearly that wasn\’t my best idea!  However, when Stephanie\’s secrets came to life in a gorgeous 8.5×11 format thanks to Maggie\’s dedication, formatting and editing skills and her printing team at Wynterblue publishing it looks amazing!  Except this time, I want it to be in a hardcover format. Sadly, they don\’t offer the type of cover & binding I need for this project but I might get them to once again rock out the printing of the book & have it sent to another company to be bound.

We\’ll see. In any case, let it be known that the hardcover edition will also be limited and we\’re working on the cover art right now, thanks to the help of a photographer friend.

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Reasons why I most likely won\’t date you.

Also? I hate my phone. A lot. Smart phone my ass. Sometimes it sends e-mails, usually it chooses not to. Although on the rare occasion that it does, it usually cuts it off at some point. Which is irritating as fuck because sending e-mail via this phone is already enough of a pain in the ass! -End phone rant.

Anyway, someone had commented that I hadn\’t posted any bad dates as of late. The reason behind that would be this: I haven\’t been on any dates of late. Good, bad or otherwise. Things are finally kinda quiet in my life and well needless to say, I\’m enjoying the \’me\’ time that comes along with it.  Aside from the fact that I\’ve been deathly ill and have decided to keep my germs to myself for the most part.  I\’m also really, really picky about who I choose to spend my time with.  With the sheer number of douchebags out there, who can blame me?  That being said, here\’s my (on going) list of things that will make me likely say no to you if you ask me out on a date:

  • You feel compelled to show me your 6-8 pack.  Unless it\’s beer or some other tasty beverage, I really don\’t give a shit about how ripped your core is. Really, I don\’t.
  • You send me pictures of your naughty bits.  *IF* I wanted to see that, I would make it happen. If for some reason you truly feel that this is necessary, even if I don\’t, make it a good one.  Likely won\’t change my mind in any way, shape or form; however make my free eye candy worth it and hope that I don\’t have some underground porn site.
  • You wear more make up than I do. I\’m all for being who you are and all that, I just fail to see the attraction to eye liner.
  • You\’re high maintenance. Guys complain that it takes woman eons to get ready. I dated a guy once who took twice as long to get ready. Yes really.
  • You feel compelled to wear your pants hanging halfway off your ass. IT\’S NOT ATTRACTIVE!   AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT! 
  • Pointy shoes. I just can\’t deal with this horrendous trend in shoes. As soon as I see them, I feel the need to put bells on them and throw you in a parade with the shriners.
  • You live at home. I\’m almost 34, if you\’re still living at home, you\’re too young for me. Or you\’re a mamma\’s boy and I can\’t handle that either.
  • You go out of your way to tell me how much money you make or the kind of car you drive. I. Don\’t. Care.
  • You play the oral sex card.  Just because guys claim that they\’re hurting for oral sex doesn\’t mean that we are. Talk is cheap and unless you\’re so damn good that it\’s mind blowing,  would make me hit the ceiling good and can prove it; shut it. Don\’t sing it, bring it.
  • You can\’t spell or type like a lazy ass fool. I\’m very well read, nothing irks me more than someone who can\’t spell or can\’t be bothered to spell out the entire word. It\’s lazy and too much like elementary school. Grow up.
  • You lack intellect. I shouldn\’t have to explain that.
  • You can\’t hold a conversation. Communication is important.
  • You\’re an idiot. I\’m smart. Book/life/street smart. You should be too on some level or another. Otherwise the likely hood of us having any type of connection is highly improbable. I don\’t care if I sound like a snob, intelligence is hot.
  • You\’re considerably shorter than I am.  I\’m almost 6 feet tall, I\’m also not a jungle gym.
  • You\’re in a relationship. I don\’t care if your wife/girlfriend/significant other isn\’t doing it for you.  Find a fuck friend or five to meet your needs. I don\’t share, nor do I tolerate cheating.
  • Don\’t have a sense of humor. I don\’t deal with people who are uptight.
  • Feel the need to text/email/phone me several times a day for no reason at all. It\’s irritating.
  • Have zero respect for my independence. I take care of me. Deal with it.
  • Have mommy issues. Freud just may have been onto something…
  • You tell me that you want to lick all of my tattoos. No. Just no.
  • You feel the need to pee on me. I have indoor plumbing. Please, feel free to use it.
  • You masturbate in my bathroom. Yes it\’s happened before. How did I find out? They missed. I have a black shower curtain. Do the math.
  • You want kids. I don\’t. That\’s an immediate deal breaker right there.
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Concussions, helmet\’s & porn…

Yeah I know, totally random. That\’s the story of my life and generally the theme of my blog. Unless you\’re new here, you know that already.  I have a habit of saying the wrong thing and it\’s usually not at a good time.  Or it just comes out wrong, it\’s a gift.

Not entirely sure where I was going with that, but anyway.  It\’s dawned on me that I should wear a helmet, with a built in sneeze guard.  Two weeks ago, I got sneezed on. In. The. Face.  Some of it got in my mouth!  Yeah I know, gross. It\’s a job hazard.  I thought I had dodged the sickness bullet…

Hell no!

I took that \’bullet\’ to the face, which essentially destroyed my Easter weekend.  Not that I give a shit about the actual holiday, however long weekend, a paid day off? Yes please!  I was excited, until Wed rolled around and by Friday (good Friday my ass!) I was contemplating throwing myself off of an overpass in rush hour.  I could see it coming and I was hopeless to do anything about it.  I hate, truly hate being sick.  I dislike being vulnerable in any form. Even writing that word makes me break out in a rash (OK not really but still…) but I still held onto the faint hope that perhaps it wouldn\’t be as bad as I anticipated.

It was worse actually.

I haven\’t been that sick since my early twenties and had viral meningitis.  Although I have to say, the fever induced delirium was interesting.  In any case, I was holed up in bed for the better part of three days, totally and utterly disgusted by the things that were happening to my body & what was coming out of it. I\’ve never used so much Kleenex in one sitting ever I\’m sure.  So anyway, as a result of said illness I had to say no to an invitation from someone because I was still feeling like a train wreck and didn\’t want to pass it onto them.

Wed rolls around, i\’m at work. Still sick, still rocking a fever, still praying for death…  I\’m hauling ass to tidy up my kitchen because we had a final inspection the following day and everything needed to be perfect.  One upper cupboard was open and i\’m not short…  I closed a lower cupboard and flung my head back and smashed the back of my head. Hard. My head was lopsided and did some pretty interesting things to the appearance of my hair.

I gave myself a concussion.  Not a bad one, but one bad enough that my Dr. threatened to give me a helmet deeming it medically necessary in case I gave myself a skull fracture.  So anyway I sent said person that I had to blow off some random text and I won\’t divulge what went down but it was pretty damn funny.  I felt bad in a way, but in the same token when you\’ve been that ill for what felt like forever, you take laughter for granted.  So I didn\’t get their response to said text until first thing in the morning, which I made the \’mistake\’ of reading while on the bus.  I started laughing so hard that breathing was a challenge.  Also made everyone on the bus likely think that I lost my mind or I was \’special\’ 😉  It made my day though, really.  Even thinking about it now makes me smile.

So anyway, I got to thinking about some of the conversations I\’ve had with said person and we got to talking about how loud some people can be during sex. I\’m not a loud person generally speaking overall. My ex roommate however was. So much to the point that once I actually threw a pillow into her room, while her and her now husband were having sex and told him to put it over her face…  So I said to him people watch too much fake porn (what I meant to say was bad porn, for the record) and i\’ll admit it, I\’ve watched my share of porn and some of it\’s really bad.  Although I\’ve noticed that there\’s quite a few common denominators when it comes to porn:

  • Some dude always has a hideous tattoo. Usually of the tribal or barbed wire variety.
  • Everyone almost always leaves their shoes on. WTF?
  • The nails. Seriously? There\’s some bad nail jobs going on.
  • Socks. Some dude almost always has socks on and once I seen a dude wearing socks and sandals in porn. So. Very. Wrong.
  • The screaming IE: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG FUCK ME, FUCK ME, FUCK ME HARDER while dudes just grunt and say something lame like \’yeah baby you like that?\’

So generally speaking, chicks feel the need to scream and guys don\’t say much, if anything at all. So I got to thinking, if you\’re lacking in experience or imagination chances are you\’re watching or have watched porn at some point or another (aside from the whole visual aspect) for \’research\’ purposes. I\’d recommend not doing that, otherwise I might have to offer up a pillow to put on your face.